Let me preface by saying I did not ask this guy out, throw my “cat” at him, stalk him, call him, shamelessly flirt or ANYTHING of the sort. We met via Facebook thru mutual friends because we worked in the same field. We developed a friendship and I had only met him once in person a few weeks ago. Yes, I had a little crush on him but he had just split from his wife and I wasn’t about to be a rebound or get caught in the crossfire of his divorce. We were becoming friends, but our emails and texts were getting a little too frequent (most of which HE initiated). The night before he sent this infamous email we had an email exchange about “relationships.” He, saying he never wanted to be in one again, me saying that eventually I did. BUT I DIDN’T SAY WITH HIM! I never eluded to such a thing. Ever. I recently pulled a favor and hooked him up with a meeting with someone who could rep him and help his career. ON THE MORNING OF HIS “BIG” MEETING, he fucking sends me this:
“Ok, I think its time I say this to you. If I am incorrect, my
apologies - but, I am generally not.
You have obviously fallen into the “[Insert last name here] CHARM VORTEX” and thats
NOT my intention. This vortex is misleading, contrary to what you
THINK you are feeling. I’ve seen victims MANY times stager out of this
vortex. It’s ugly for sure.
You and I are great friends and us becoming friends quickly is the
result of a similar background, similar situation (divorce - to some
extent) and perhaps a similar sense of humor. But, you know my
situation and me “being with someone” is the last thing on Earth I am
interested. Not to mention, I consider you a close friend - like a
mildly retarded sister. So even casual sex with people that I consider
to be “close friends” (i.e. - people in my “close circle” ) is also
not something I am interested in - at all. In fact, it weirds me out.
Furthermore, what I am about to say is going to sound incredibly
egotistical. MOST women I am around (and most certainly for any period
of time.. as has been the case with you and I as of late; texting,
emailing, etc) fall victim and they wake up thinking they want to hit
this - or more. I get it - I’m very fun, not so hard on the eyes,
“good person”, blah blah fucking blah.
( In fact, I would bet you ANYTHING - I could talk [XX] at [XXXX] into
signing me IF I got to hang with her enough. One fast meeting
however….. maybe. Maybe not. That’s not narcissism - that’s just me
playing the odds based on past experience.)
So, having said all this - I will be blunt. Get your shit together. I
am not “the one” or even a temporary “one”. We are friends. If you are
going to reside in Crazy Town (population YOU) then our friendship is
going to suffer (lame.) If you get on with your shit, meet men and
enjoy being single (YOUR ADVICE TO ME !!! ) and enjoy your life, our
friendship will be super cool.
I’ll continue to ramble - I have a short list of female friends that I
kept while I was married. VERY short list - typically because I got to
know them through their boyfriends or husbands. But, I AM a
heterosexual man - I don’t hang with them for potluck dinners,
knitting classes, want to hear about them banging guys, I don’t even
offer a shoulder to cry on. Now that I am “single” ( and I am
comfortable using the term) keeping them as friends needs to stay
where it is. Of course, some are VERY “casual” female friends that I
have - and as a hetero alpha male - if I should end up banging them
and they are tossed onto the pile of shame - so be it. I would not
mind “losing” their friendship. I WOULD mind losing your friendship -
very much.
(And please don’t think, “But, why would it have to go away…”)
I think even people on FB suspect something is “going on” with you and
or I. And believe me, there are a few female friends I have on there
“suspect” because of their own vortex shit with me - or just watching
the stuff you post on and also the stuff you do NOT post on tips it
off - duh.
Am I making sense? Now you can either be pissed and feel “rejected”
(duh) or be cool (no duh) and perhaps you already KNOW this (which is
what I suspect anyway - you just needed to hear this.)
Thats it. Maybe we should cancel lunch today and I can head straight
to [XXXX]? I have no problem with that. In fact, it would allow me to
catch up for my fuck off day yesterday with school, music, etc. No
weirdness from me - ever.
ALSO - please dont feel you need to write me a long reply. This email
was a pain enough in the ass to write and I wouldn’t have even
bothered if I didnt think you were cool.
Are we cool?”
Later that night after I’ve had time to fall out of the vortex (VORTEX? Are you fucking kidding me with that shit?) while slinging back one too many vodka sodas, I sent this reply:
“I had some time to process your email. And here’s what I have to say to you:
If anyone lives in crazy town, it’s you, you condescending fuck. Makes sense you are divorced. Don’t contact me anymore. Have a nice life.”
I hit “send” on my blackberry and throw it down on the table and continue to drink with my friends…in a matter of minutes the red light flashes on my phone and this is his response:
“Angie! I wish you were messing with me. Please understand I was
attempting to make a point (obviously) very unsuccessfully and I added
a large amount of tongue in cheeck humor. And I should not have. I
obviously don’t think you’re crazy! I’m so sorry I came across being
condescending. Not my intention!! Even when I wrote - ” get your shit
together” I REALLY DON’T think (Not for a second! ) you shit is not
together. You gotta know that. Please.
Please know, my attempt at discussing something a little awkward was
just absolutely messed up because of me writing it. Had you heard my
inflections of my voice I guarantee you it would have never felt this
way. My deepest apologies.”
I do not respond to this email or the texts that he sent at the same time apologizing profusely. I had him on his knees which is exactly where he ought to be. Fucker. I had gone “radio silent” on his ass and swiftly “unfriended” him from Facebook (the ultimate “Fuck you”). I don’t know about you but there is no “inflection” that could have made this email less harsh, uncalled for and fucked up. THUD! (That’s me falling out of the vortex.)
