Getting dumped absolutely sucks. There is no way around it. You’ve been rejected and “tossed back”. Catch and release. And you’ve been released. As your self esteem plummets to it’s death to the depths below, you find yourself justifying your worth, your attractiveness and your desirability. It’s a horrible downward spiral (but something that will get your ass back to the gym in lightening speed.)
Of course the only salt in this wound that could sting worse is when you were actually willing and open to put your heart out there to see if you could make a go of it with this person. The risk of getting hurt is always a tricky gamble. You were attracted to the other person and ready to see if it would grow into something more, all the while being excited and happy about the prospect. That’s why it really kicks you in the gut and doubles you over with pain and embarrassment when they tell you there’s “nothing there” when you thought/hoped maybe there was.
This is what happened with me and Bachelor #1. He took me out on a Friday night and we had a good time. We went out that Sunday afternoon and he was being weird and distant. That night I get a phone call from him at 10pm and he says, “I just wanted to let you know that I just don’t think there is anything there between us.” Nothing there?! It took you 7, SEVEN dates to figure out there wasn’t anything there? You kept calling me and pursuing me and asking me out only to realize after weeks and weeks of this that there was nothing there? The second he knew he had me was the second he lost interest. It was a classic case of a man on the hunt. On the chase. When the prey was caught, the game wasn’t fun anymore. Dick.
“I think you’re great and I would still love to be friends with you,” he tells me. “Well, I appreciate that,” I said, “but at this point in my life I know what I want, and that’s a committed relationship. I have plenty of friends and I don’t need anymore.” “Ooh,” he replies all dejected, “Well if you change your mind, my line is always open to you. Talk to you soon.” “No, actually, you won’t” I reply and as I hear another dejected “Ooh,” I hang up.
A year ago, I think I would have rolled over and let him off the hook and agreed to be friends with him. Not anymore. In that moment when I hung up the phone, I realized the growth and change inside of me and I felt proud of myself, even though his phone call made me really sad. I shed a few tears and felt completely disappointed. I thought back to all of our dates trying to figure out what my missteps were - where did I go wrong? Then I realized, it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything that would have sent him running. I was acting like a mature adult trying to be in a mature adult relationship all the while living my own life and doing my own thing and never once putting pressure on the situation or initiating that fatal conversation of “What’s going on with us?” I was just going with the flow.
It’s important to mention that I never slept with him. The one night we were about to (after HE invited me into his bedroom & after HE took my clothes off) at the moment of entry, HE decided he wasn’t “ready.” HUH?! WHAT GUY DOES THAT? I was so confused but I tried to convince myself that his behaviour was acceptable (it wasn’t.) I felt like shit the next day. Looking back I realized after most of our dates, more times than not, I always left feeling bad and confused because he was constantly giving me mixed signals I couldn’t read. Intimacy issues combined with commitment issues = what the fuck am I doing wasting my precious free nights with this man child? This guy was almost 40 and he had never been married, engaged or had a live in girlfriend. I had a serial dater on my hands, one who will probably be a perpetual bachelor for the rest of his life. Enjoy.
I gave myself one day to wallow in my rejected misery. Then I was off to a super fun business trip that would allow me to forget all about Bachelor #1. Funny enough, while on said business trip I run into our mutual friend - Bachelor #1’s sister’s best friend. The one who initially told me I was “too cool” for him. “So how’s it going with XXX?” she asks. “He just dumped me!” I tell her and at that both her and her husband roll their eyes. “His sister and I knew he was going to fuck it up with you. That whole family has commitment issues Angie, just know it’s not you.” If she was just trying to make me feel better, it worked.
So back to the sea I go with all the other fishes. I took my profile down from the site where I met Bachelor #1 (the www.nerve.com personals via www.salon.com) and decided to give OkCupid a try. There are dudes aplenty on that site and I’ve already had one date earlier this week and I have 3 or 4 other guys that I’ve been emailing with that have some potential. So we’ll see….I’m not about to let Bachelor #1 keep me down, if anything it’s motivated me to keep fishing for someone who will truly appreciate my awesomeness. I’m confident that someday I will.
