Last April, after one lame date too many, I decided to take a break from all this dating business. Instead of going out with another loser, I felt my time would be better spent staying home and watching The Biggest Loser (at least it would be much more motivating.) I decided I was going to get back to the gym and really get on a good diet and exercise regime once and for all. I was going to focus on myself instead of focusing on the search for Mr. Right. I got a trainer, went vegetarian, laid off the booze a bit, shed close to 20 lbs., and now I’m addicted to cardio. Who knew? My plan was to blog about all of it. I mean, who can’t relate to the masochistic relationships we have with our scales? (My scale can be a total asshole programmed to fuck with me. I’m sure of it.)
I was all ready to write about my gym adventures when the Royal Wedding and the capture of Osama Bin Laden happen on the same weekend and like a moth to a flame, I was now dating my TV exclusively. The time I would have spent writing was now spent obsessively watching CNN. And just when I thought that news programming couldn’t get any better, the Casey Anthony trial kicked into high gear and I was a goner. It was a full on love affair with my TV and Nancy Grace. The trial ended in July and then I was off with my family to the east coast for vacation (no time to write) then it was “back to school” (no time to write) then it was Thanksgiving and my 20th high school reunion (still no time to write but I have a REALLY good story about that weekend involving a crazy ex-boyfriend, threatening text messages and making the local police log in my hometown newspaper.) So after ALL of that, we’re already closing in on the end of the year. HOW IS IT ALREADY 2012 WHEN IT FEELS LIKE 1998 WAS ONLY 3 YEARS AGO?! Anyway…
With my news obsession simmering down and my body slimming down, I decided I was ready to date again. I at least wanted a good make out session with someone. Close to 7 months with no sex and it was time to turn things around. Mama needed some lovin’.
My OkCupid profile went back up and I was ready for some action. I got hit up by a guy who looked really cute in his pictures. He suggested we talk on the phone. Groooan. I’ve mentioned before how much I fucking hate talking on the phone with potential dates. Why? Because I’m way too tired to deal at the end of the day. I just want to zone out on the couch. I don’t want to have to be “on” and chatty and chipper because I do that all day long. Not at 10:30 on a Monday night (or ever for that matter) but I agree nonetheless. Our phone call is awkward at best but he seems pretty funny - he’s a stand up comic so at least I know he has a sense of humor. He texts me the next day and asks me if I’d like to meet him out that Thursday at a comedy fest in Eagle Rock. Eagle fucking Rock. Why couldn’t it be the Miracle Mile comedy fest? No, it has to be in Eagle Rock. FOUR freeways later, yes four, I arrive at some random coffee shop off of Colorado Blvd. (I now have a self imposed freeway date rule - if I have to get on more than 1 freeway to meet you, I’m not fucking going and your ass is meeting me in my ‘hood. (I’ll let you know how that works out for me.)
I guess I missed the part in his profile where it lists his height because I’m towering over him by at least a foot. No offense to the shawties out there but I’m a tall girl pushing 5’ 11” in heels (5’8” without.) I need a tall man. He was maaaaybe 5’5” bless his heart. Height is one of my deal breakers. BUT he was VERY sweet and kind and I feel bad even writing about it but I can’t leave you hanging now…
When I tell my best friend Lauren I’m going to a comedy fest with a stand up comic she asks me with trepidation if he’s taking me to watch HIM do stand up. NOOOOooooo I say! I’m going WITH him to watch OTHER comics do stand up. Duh Lauren! DUH! So when I get there and meet him outside at the coffee shop I’m curious as to why he’s writing notes down on a little piece of paper. He tells me that he’s signed up for the open mic spot at 8:15 so we have time to get coffee before he goes on. WHAAAAT??? Oh shit…
He apologizes that the comedy portion of the evening is taking place outside on the back patio because it’s a little cold. Remember east coast readers, in LA when it drops down to the low 50s IT’S FUCKING FREEZING TO US! He goes to the bathroom and I pull out my phone to text Lauren “HE’S DOING STAND UP! YOU WERE RIGHT!”
We head to the back patio. There are 7 of us out there - 4 comics, some random couple who just stopped to see what was going on as they made their way to the parking lot and me. The stage is the landing of the back staircase behind the coffee shop. My date tells me he feels weird without holding a mic so I tell him to just hold his coffee cup in front of himself. He does. He’s actually funny. Definitely the funniest out of the lot. He has a dead pan sort of delivery and I genuinely laugh out loud at a few of his jokes. But I’m still not interested…not even a little bit.
We decide to check out a few more comics next door but they’re not that funny. He asks if I have time to check out another comic but when I look at the clock I tell him that I didn’t have a chance to stop home to let my dog out and I really should be getting home to tend to my pup. I’m telling ya, dogs and kids are the best excuses to get out of things. Get some if you don’t have any (or you can just lie about it. That works too.)
I realize that my dog excuse is suuuuuper lame and I figure he realizes it too so I’m shocked when I’m back on the first of four freeways heading home when my phone rings and it’s him. I panic. Why is he calling me? I don’t pick up and let it go to voicemail. On the message he says that he remembered me saying my GPS broke so he just wanted to see if I needed directions getting back to the freeway. Oh my God I’m the biggest bitch who ever lived. I feel REALLY bad now. That was a very chivalrous and sweet thing to do. I plan on texting him when I get home to thank him but he beats me to the punch. He thanks me for coming all the way out there and that it was nice meeting me. I write back, “Thank you! You too!” and figure that’s the end of it.
The next day I get another text from him asking if I’d like to get together again and maybe see a movie. I thought I’d have the lady balls to write back that I think he’s super nice and funny but I just didn’t feel any chemistry between us and that I wish him the best. But I don’t. Instead I ignore it and continue on with my day. I would be pissed if someone did that to me. I would expect the respect of someone just being upfront with me…or would I? Which is worse? Not answering or answering truthfully? I’ve done the whole “thank you but no thank you” text or email before to someone I wasn’t interested in but for some reason I feel really bad about letting this guy down. How would you respond?
